As a nation, we simply do not like ze Germans. With the war well before the time of most of us (and most of our parents) I struggle to believe that that this is the real reason why.
I have spent a fair bit of time trying to work out why and, quite aptly, the four reasons I can think of closely resemble a pair of secret policemen – SS SS
Sunbeds – clichéd reference to the blunt efficiency of the Germans. I would say more a reason for annoyance than dislike
Sport – from Football to Tennis to F1, ze German’s consistently hand our medium-rare backsides to us in sporting situations. Let’s face it, our British politeness means that we are, essentially, a nation of chokers. Ze Germans, conversely are used to winning so end up winning
Seriousness – entertainingly, there has been a full on academic study of why the Brits and the Germans have a level of mutual distrust – have a read of this:
-LINK-
For the lazy, it boils down to small-talk – whereas we use small talk to “provide a social function” – i.e. make people feel good – our German counterparts see this is an unnecessary waste of time, and in some cases, insincere small talk is seen as tantamount to lying. Imagine a life without unneeded chat. Certainly more efficient but much less entertaining.
Sarcasm – I would like to take this opportunity to thank our very own Hugh Laurie for finally bringing sarcasm across the Atlantic through the medium of medical drama. Having honed his craft in arguably the greatest example of quintessential British satire – Blackadder – Dr House finally taught the Amercian public that insults and sarcasm are in fact the highest form of wit. Sadly, the common perception is that our Germanic friends are yet to follow the same path.
Last month, I went to Munich, and I have come to understand where the distrust, resentment and oft time dislike of the Germans come from. Compared to all other European nations, the Germans are more like the British than anyone else. Reserved, fanatical about sport and fuelled primarily by lager there is more than a passing resemblance between our nations. The reason for the distrust comes from the fact that in areas we pride ourselves on (and others that we don’t), the Germans are simply better than us. Munich was one of the best European cities I have ever visited.
Let’s take a simple example – one of the best inventions I have ever seen. The Beercycle.
Strolling through a beautiful park in a beautiful city we heard a noise, singing. Not real singing, but man singing. The noise got louder and before we knew it we were overtaken by a man on a bike. However, this was not just any bike. Behind the “driver” was a beer keg. Behind this beer keg was a 12 person dining table surround by the requisite 12 people drinking from the aforementioned keg. Under the table, these folk were helping with the peddling.
This thing was genius.
Yesterday, back home in London, I went for a beer in the city. Imagine if you can Bishopsgate at rush hour – it’s not a pretty sight by any means. But lo and behold – not one, but two Beercycles passed us by (sandwiched between two double decker busses). But no, these were British beercycles, no keg of beer (drink cycling – how dare you even consider such a thing), no table – just a handrail to hold on to. Worst. Imitation. Ever.
1-0 Germany.
I have lived in London for almost 6 years now and I love it. However, the 2 best times of the year are between Christmas and New Year and the Easter long weekend.
At these glorious times of year, somewhere between one third and half of “Londoners” bugger off to where they were born and raised (often, me included – big up Reading). Suddenly, there are seats on the tube, there is space to walk and London has the right number of people in it.
Imagine these idyllic times of year, then imagine that every road looks like The Mall leading up to Buckingham palace. Welcome to Munich. 2-0.
OK, there are examples where stereotypical German efficiency can go too far…
On our trip, we happened to pass a large white statue outside an office. Quite cool, but thought nothing more of it.
Until this – LINK
In that very building, a German office party epitomised both German efficiency and the “functional” approach to problem solving. Again, for those too lazy to read, a number of “pros” were hired to satisfy certain urges of the salesmen of this organisation.
Just to be clear, in my opinion this is completely wrong and immoral. But my god was it well executed.
Ladies were awarded coloured wrist bands – one colour for waiting staff indicated “don’t touch”, one colour for the plebs and one special colour for the finest of all the ladies who were reserved for the board and presented as a reward to only the best salespeople (interesting alternative to stock options as a bonus plan). But wait. There’s more. Following each “use” a lady was stamped on the forearm – similarly to a Café Nero loyalty card. I can just picture the attendees of the event methodically trading off the diminishing returns of multiple “uses” against the physical attractiveness of the item in question. Sheer madness.
Finally, I would like to come back to sarcasm. The common perception that Germany and sarcasm do not mix is quite frankly not true. Some of the finest exponents of dead pan satire that I have ever met have heralded from the Rhineland. Deliberately paying tribute to the robotic stereotype, I have witnessed truly breathtaking dead pan delivery of discourse so scathing and full to the brim with acrimony that I have had to stop myself applauding in slack-jawed amazement. Not to name names, but BF, TS, DG – I salute you.
Thinking back to the depraved debauchery that occurred behind that white statue, I can rest assured – or at least imagine – that the phrase “München meinen truncheon” was used more than once. And that the ladies were stamped accordingly.
